Just Say No

I know, I know, two posts in one day...Don't get used to it! This one's just a quickie and, like the last one, I can't promise any great insight - just wanted to share something really great that happened two days ago.

So I'm in love with this really great girl, and she's really good to me, and I'm just getting used to that. Here's an example: The other day we were snuggled up in bed around 11, deciding what to do with the rest of our evening before going to bed. She suggested watching the end of a porn we'd enjoyed the night before (review forthcoming shortly) and I assented although I wasn't in a particularly sexy mood. Of course one thing led to the next and she started kissing me and before I knew it we were on the fast track to sex. I just wasn't feeling up to it after a long day and I summoned the courage to do something that should be mundane: I said no.

As a sexual health and pleasure activist and educator, I realize that I have the right to say no at any time, in any situation, without judgment or retaliation. But that intellectual understanding is not always borne out by my physical/sexual self, and I often have trouble saying no in gray situations (ones where I don't particularly mind having sex but don't particularly desire it, either, or where I'm not entirely comfortable but I can go with the flow anyway). This troubling behavior is partly influenced by a long, difficult relationship that dominated two years of my life and still deeply impacts my thought processes. How so? Well, my ex would routinely opine that anytime I didn't want to have sex, I was contributing to his low self-esteem, and that my diminished sex drive (which resulted from my exhausting caretaking role in our relationship) was a clinical issue that, when I wasn't able to medically solve, implied a moral failing on my part. Drastic, I know, but there you have the whole tangled story of our declining sex life.

In contrast, my current partner and primary lover responded casually but respectfully with an "okay, sure." In other words: she respected my discomfort and didn't pathologize or dramatize the situation. Sometimes, it's the absence of drama that makes a single moment so groundbreaking. This, I realized, is what a relationship should be like. This is what respect and communication mean. This is what I want - this is what I deserve.

In sum: Consent is an active process integral not only to casual encounters but also to ongoing relationships. Honest communication deserves validation. You should be able to take respect for granted.