Just Say No

I know, I know, two posts in one day...Don't get used to it! This one's just a quickie and, like the last one, I can't promise any great insight - just wanted to share something really great that happened two days ago.

So I'm in love with this really great girl, and she's really good to me, and I'm just getting used to that. Here's an example: The other day we were snuggled up in bed around 11, deciding what to do with the rest of our evening before going to bed. She suggested watching the end of a porn we'd enjoyed the night before (review forthcoming shortly) and I assented although I wasn't in a particularly sexy mood. Of course one thing led to the next and she started kissing me and before I knew it we were on the fast track to sex. I just wasn't feeling up to it after a long day and I summoned the courage to do something that should be mundane: I said no.

As a sexual health and pleasure activist and educator, I realize that I have the right to say no at any time, in any situation, without judgment or retaliation. But that intellectual understanding is not always borne out by my physical/sexual self, and I often have trouble saying no in gray situations (ones where I don't particularly mind having sex but don't particularly desire it, either, or where I'm not entirely comfortable but I can go with the flow anyway). This troubling behavior is partly influenced by a long, difficult relationship that dominated two years of my life and still deeply impacts my thought processes. How so? Well, my ex would routinely opine that anytime I didn't want to have sex, I was contributing to his low self-esteem, and that my diminished sex drive (which resulted from my exhausting caretaking role in our relationship) was a clinical issue that, when I wasn't able to medically solve, implied a moral failing on my part. Drastic, I know, but there you have the whole tangled story of our declining sex life.

In contrast, my current partner and primary lover responded casually but respectfully with an "okay, sure." In other words: she respected my discomfort and didn't pathologize or dramatize the situation. Sometimes, it's the absence of drama that makes a single moment so groundbreaking. This, I realized, is what a relationship should be like. This is what respect and communication mean. This is what I want - this is what I deserve.

In sum: Consent is an active process integral not only to casual encounters but also to ongoing relationships. Honest communication deserves validation. You should be able to take respect for granted.

Struggling

I want to be up front about this: I'm not doing very well. I'm in a definite slump, although I'm not sure why. Possible reasons include the general post-college funk, lack of employment to keep me busy and fulfill my professional/intellectual ambitions, uncertainty about the future, and general 20-something ennui. I realize I'm a pretty privileged person in ways too numerous to list here, but that doesn't stop me from feeling depressed, and it doesn't get me any closer to finding a solution.

I'm finding solace in music (especially the Indigo Girls) and books (Love in the Time of Cholera and Prozac Nation in particular), and in my lover and a few close friends. But I'm also feeling antsy and eager to get out of the town where I went to school so I can start building my new life on the west coast. Yesterday I walked through the square and tried to avoid its dozens of bank employees offering me free water, cookies, hand sanitizer, keychains, and lord knows what else. Inevitably, one caught my eye and asked, "are you a student?". I don't think she was expecting my triumphant "no!" and I hope she didn't take it as an insult.

The main lesson I think I can draw from my struggles, especially as of late, is that depression is a multi-faceted thing. I'm coming to the realization that my efforts to attain good mental health are going to last a while longer, if not my whole life, and that's both overwhelming and helpful to know. As my depression takes different forms I will have to react in different ways, and basic steps like getting enough sleep, exercising, and eating well are going to lay a solid foundation for physical as well as mental health. But as my resources and self-awareness grow, I know I'll find different ways to make myself happy, energetic, and stable: for instance, right now I'm finding that going out dancing is a great way to be social, blow off stress, and generally relax, but sometimes what I really need is to curl up in bed with a cheesy movie and a glass of wine. In any case, the search for stability and wellness continues, and I welcome all suggestions for how to cope with (and prevent) anxiety, listlessness, and general unease.