I like kids. I really do. I think progressive and radical people in particular should have kids and raise them to challenge what I think of as the "isms" (racism, ableism, classism...). But when people ask me if I want kids of my own, I'm quick to answer in the negative.
What bothers me is how the questioners react. "Really?" they say. "Why not?" Or, worst of all, "Oh, you'll change your mind." Now, I'm well aware that the vast majority of people do end up having children, and that I might reconsider. I know that I'll probably experience a rush of hormones that will make me feel like I want to settle down and have babies. And I know I'd do well with them: I like children, and I've had over a decade of experience babysitting, tutoring, coaching, mentoring, and teaching young people. But, at the moment, having children is not a part of my life plan.
So why is it that my friends (or strangers) who ask me about my views seem to know my body, and my plans, better than I do? Why do they act as though "no" is not a valid answer to their question? I am most amazed when people whom I know to be fiercely "pro-choice," advocates of the view that every child should be wanted, seem to think they know my future. I think that my viewpoint on my future family should be taken at face value. More broadly, women should be able to self-define without reference to their family structure and/or choices if they wish, and should be respected and valued as individuals (as well as contributors to family and other social units, of course). And I feel that my choice to be childless somehow seems to call into question my judgment, priorities, or self-awareness.
Perhaps this is part of the very problematic "superwoman" expectation that successful women today need to be exceptional mothers, stellar professionals, and community contributors - a standard that is problematic not least of all because it labels people who experience structural oppression and therefore "under-acheive" as failures. Maybe the responses I get are just a symptom of unrealistic standards for women in general. Perhaps almost no one stops to think that my choice could be environmentally motivated (although frankly, it's not) or that I am interested in opening my home to foster children or survivors of domestic violence (I am). But first and foremost, I'm upset about these conversations because I think there are few other ways in which a liberal person would feel comfortable suggesting that my opinion about my own lifestyle choices is misinformed. For example, while some might question my decision to be in a queer relationship, it would not be seen as politically correct to say that I don't know what I'm doing, that I'll change my mind, or that I won't end up that way because most people are straight.
So, next time someone tells you they don't want kids, just say, "Great! Will you babysit mine?"
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2 comments:
I wouldn't take it too personally, necessarily. Although it's very legitimate.
But maybe they expect you to answer in the affirmative because you have a caring personality?
you don't have to answer in the negative or the affirmative... just by answering, you're giving a space for dialogue... and answering a personal question to a stranger gives them more personal access to you, yea? in any case, i too was not really into kids, didn't even like them (even though I too taught a whole bunch as a teen), till my current hormonal state. I think I was afraid I'd be a bad mama. But after I taught younguns as a late-twenties guhl, i got more confident. and i've changed my mind. it shouldn't come as a surprise to me either, i've been obsessed with the pregnant female body since i could count my toes and fingers ;)
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