(Not) Choosing Children

I like kids. I really do. I think progressive and radical people in particular should have kids and raise them to challenge what I think of as the "isms" (racism, ableism, classism...). But when people ask me if I want kids of my own, I'm quick to answer in the negative.

What bothers me is how the questioners react. "Really?" they say. "Why not?" Or, worst of all, "Oh, you'll change your mind." Now, I'm well aware that the vast majority of people do end up having children, and that I might reconsider. I know that I'll probably experience a rush of hormones that will make me feel like I want to settle down and have babies. And I know I'd do well with them: I like children, and I've had over a decade of experience babysitting, tutoring, coaching, mentoring, and teaching young people. But, at the moment, having children is not a part of my life plan.

So why is it that my friends (or strangers) who ask me about my views seem to know my body, and my plans, better than I do? Why do they act as though "no" is not a valid answer to their question? I am most amazed when people whom I know to be fiercely "pro-choice," advocates of the view that every child should be wanted, seem to think they know my future. I think that my viewpoint on my future family should be taken at face value. More broadly, women should be able to self-define without reference to their family structure and/or choices if they wish, and should be respected and valued as individuals (as well as contributors to family and other social units, of course). And I feel that my choice to be childless somehow seems to call into question my judgment, priorities, or self-awareness.

Perhaps this is part of the very problematic "superwoman" expectation that successful women today need to be exceptional mothers, stellar professionals, and community contributors - a standard that is problematic not least of all because it labels people who experience structural oppression and therefore "under-acheive" as failures. Maybe the responses I get are just a symptom of unrealistic standards for women in general. Perhaps almost no one stops to think that my choice could be environmentally motivated (although frankly, it's not) or that I am interested in opening my home to foster children or survivors of domestic violence (I am). But first and foremost, I'm upset about these conversations because I think there are few other ways in which a liberal person would feel comfortable suggesting that my opinion about my own lifestyle choices is misinformed. For example, while some might question my decision to be in a queer relationship, it would not be seen as politically correct to say that I don't know what I'm doing, that I'll change my mind, or that I won't end up that way because most people are straight.

So, next time someone tells you they don't want kids, just say, "Great! Will you babysit mine?"

"An Act Relative to..."

Have been meaning to blog for a while, especially as I've been inspired by reading some wonderful trans, queer, and feminist blogs and wanting to add my voice to the mix. I'll probably refer to them (with links) in future entries, so stay tuned!

Anyway, I went to something on Tuesday that really made me think: this is the time to start writing about what's going on. The Joint Committee on the Judiciary held their hearing on a wide range of bills, including one of particular interest, "An Act Relative to Gender-Based Discrimination and Hate Crimes." This piece of legislation, initiated by Boston-area (and other MA) trans activists and allies, would add "gender identity" and "gender expression" to existing legislation prohibiting discrimination and punishing perpetrators of hate crimes. The hearing itself was a long, messy affair, characterized by a full room and hours of testimony. But what captivated me was who spoke up in favor of the bill: fierce transwomen, gay male union agitators, trans-masculine lawyers, parents of trans youth, religious leaders, feminist activists, and many more.

This was the kind of coalition I haven't seen in a long time (ever?). The speakers, not to mention the other attendees, were a wide range of folks who had varying stakes in the matter. I was so heartened and inspired to see allies speak out in support of trans people, exactly the opposite of what we so often see happen on a national level with regard to G(LBTQ) politics. I thought this kind of organizing only happened in Istanbul, where I know a transman who speaks passionately about the united trans/feminist/queer movement, or in Chennai, where I was thrilled to read that gay men are helping staff a lesbian help line. Tuesday's hearing was a real testament to the talent and dedication of Boston trans leaders, and to the possibilities of local politics.

Well, darlings, more to come, but I hope you enjoyed an upbeat first entry! Back to reading my rather mediocre feminist book of the day (more later), and then bed.

For more on the bill: www.masstpc.org
For a wonderful blog post about the hearing from an amazing lawyer: http://tinyurl.com/leviblogpost